this is me.

Well first thing I want to say is....WELCOME! Thanks for being here and joining me on this journey. I’m new to this too so we can get through this together. My blog is going to be far from perfect. There’s going to be bad grammar, words used incorrectly and probably a lot of swearing (sorry mom) but that’s me. And I promised myself that if I did this I was going to be raw and genuine so here goes nothing!

I thought for my first post I could share with you guys a little bit about myself, what I’ve been through and how I got to where I am today.

Small town gal through and through(and I mean small...like 2,000 people small) from a place called Gimli, Manitoba. Yes I know that’s the dwarf from lord of the rings and everyone comments on that but I don’t see how that’s even fucking relevant to anything but whatever. Had an amazing childhood, growing up on the water. My parents both have big families so that meant a lot of cousins, and a lot of good memories! My dad got transferred to Calgary in 2006....which was a year before my graduation. Pretty sure that’s where all my trauma started because who moves their kid in pretty much their graduating year. Not to mention that, they put me in a CATHOLIC school. You know, us small town folk coming to Airdrie...mom was worried about the big city kids so she thought the safest bet was a catholic school. Am I even catholic? Welp, I was that year. It took me a long time to fit in here, but I ended up finding my groove.

Not long after high school I decided to go to college to become a hairdresser. I had already had a job here in town at a salon doing all the bitch work so I was ready to start working on my own clients. Traveling back and forth was a lot for this small town gal and well it wasn’t long until I got into my first accident. A U-haul truck full of furniture rear ended me on the highway ( in my little dinky Toyota Matrix) and then I hit the truck in front of me. My back speaker was all the way in the passenger seat. I walked out of that shaken up, but not even a scratch. I thanked my lucky stars, headed over to Toyota and got another matrix. A few short months after that I was driving home in the highway again and the person in the lane beside me fell asleep at the wheel. He swerved into my lane and before I knew it I was hitting the meridian, going back through three lanes of oncoming traffic and hit a semi. This one they had to use the jaws of life to get me out, had a neck brace and I was a little sore but nothing crazy. Went to Toyota....told them I needed a bigger vehicle (no fucking shit Jordan) and while I was waiting for them to get mine in I borrowed mom and dads. Well guess what....got rear ended in that bad boy. So my start to my career was a Rocky one haha. Worked at a salon for a couple years (working with a bunch of woman is straight up hell) so I left and opened my own business.

Not long after opening my own salon I decided I wanted to do a fitness comp. trained for a solid year, spent a shit tone of money on my trainer and chicken and ended up placing third. It was never fully about just having a nice body for me....I wanted to conquer a fear. I have anxiety (which I will get to later on) and how I handle it is doing exactly what makes me anxious. Just like I'm writing right now talking with you guys....I’m anxious as all hell but I feel I cope with it better when I face it instead of hiding from it. ANYWAYS, mentally I was really proud of myself and I mean having abs was pretty cool too but that being said it lead to me having massive insecurities about my body which I cannot wait to dive into in another one of my posts :)

By this point in my life I had moved over 6 times. Mom and dad live here but I never really found “home”. That was until I thought I met the love of my life at the gym one day. He was cute and if you know me, I didn’t waste anytime introducing myself. Long story short he moved in after TWO WEEKS OF DATING! Wtf was I thinking. That’s love I guess right, you think with your heart, not your head. We were head over heals for each other, he was my person. This is where I started to really come to terms with the fact that I had some sort of anxiety or depression. I wasn’t sure but I knew I wasn’t mentally OK. We struggled after a couple months of being together. I got a phone call at 4am from my mom that my sisters house had burnt down. Her husband, her and their two kids got out ok but they had lost everything. All they had was the clothes on their backs. So while this was going on, me and him separated. Man what an eye opening time in my life, and where some more of my mental health comes into play but that looks like it could be another post (see I told you guys I’d have lots to write about).

We got back together, this time for GOOD. Got a house, got a puppy and well we wanted a baby. And guess what...we got that too! Benjamin Andrew, the light of my life. We decided amongst all the crazy that we’d also build a house. So between going through all that, being pregnant, working long days on my feet, helping my sister and her family start all over...yea you could say my mental health was struggling. When we moved into the new house, I realized I had postpartum depression. Therapy and talking about it was the first steps but at this point, my relationship had taken one to many hits and that my friends is how someone falls out of love with you. NO, wrong. That’s how someone gives up. I know that now. I packed up Ben and the animals, mom picked us up and the next day I did what I had to to get Ben and myself back up on our feet.

We moved around from house to house as I wanted to give a lot, but financially being a single mom is just hard. So we finally found a place to call home. Worked a lot and did what I had to and we were OK. Everything was ok. When Ben was 1.5 years old, I was ready. Ready to reach out to his dad and tell him I was better. That I had changed. That I could be the woman he needed me to be. After trying to convince this person that I'm not all that bad, we moved back in with him. Ben and I were back where we were supposed to be.....right? It’s so unfortunate that we paint these pictures on our heads of how it’s “supposed” to be instead of just feeling what we actually want. Listening to that little gut feeling. This time, I did and this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do because THIS time, I was leaving. So I left, and never looked back.

 We moved just in time for Covid to hit. Going through this pandemic alone has been another journey in itself, but honestly as crazy as this sounds...not a bad one. Feeling alone with someone is so much worse than just *being alone*...remember that. This pandemic really opened my eyes to a lot (including finding another passion of mine and that’s making clay jewelry). I now own another business that allows me to use clay as a creative outlet. All That being said, Ben and I found home. Believe it or not, I have now moved 13 times in the last couple of years. I don’t know what I would have done without therapy, it saved me. Once a week is what I did and what I continued to do for a long time. I cannot wait to dive into mental health with you guys. I have learnt SO much over the years and have come such a long way. 

I’m happy. The happiest I’ve been in a very long time. Maybe the happiest I’ve ever been period. And I thank my past for that. The things I’ve been through and continue to go through that are making me really appreciate what I have and who I’ve grown into as a woman. This is just the beginning you guys, buckle up cause you’re in for a crazy ride ✌︎︎