Co-parenting

Being your ex's friend? being civil? having a relationship with someone who hurt YOU ?! Fuck that.

Those were the thoughts that ran through my head when my child was only 6 months when his dad told me he didn't love me anymore. Why did he stop loving me? well I lost sight of who I was as a person and as a partner. Do I blame myself? No. But can I admit that I wasn't the person he fell in love with....YES. 

My partner and I were soulmates (so I thought). He loved me and I loved him. We were going to get married and have babies and the white picket fence and a lot of animals ( the animal thing was only a me thing apparently, and I now have a funny farm which makes for real exciting days lol). The reality is, I wanted all of these things and at the end of the day I didn't care who it was with I just wanted to make it happen. When him and I separated and he told me he didn't love me anymore, in my head I was like "yea, this makes sense", but what I acted on was the "I DONT LOVE YOU" part. Those words stung. They hurt and made me feel angry so I was going to get spiteful because that's how ill hurt him. WRONG. That's how I'll hurt my son, not him.

When ben and I moved in with my parents, he was 3 months old. I was breastfeeding, depressed and trying to figure out what my next move would be. Who cares what his dad felt. I was the one going through all the suffering and pain, not HIM. So I used breastfeeding as a tactic to only let my ex see Ben for a certain amount of time. I told him I REFUSED to pump and that it was wrong to make me go through something I didn't want to do. Would that have been so bad though? To pump and let bens dad have some time with HIS son too? Yea, at the time that was the last thing I was gonna let happen. I was going to make him suffer and not let him see his 6 month old child. WOW. Typing that out makes me feel like a monster. I feel so upset with myself for thinking so horribly. When you are mentally not ok, the demons in your brain can take over and bring out the worst in you. I know what you guys are saying right now...."YOU JUST HAD A BABY", "cut yourself some slack", "you were depressed", "its only natural". While all those things are true, it doesn't make them ok.

I started to go to therapy, and man that changed my perspective on everything. First of all, it was really hard because my friends and family were mad too. They were hurt and so disappointed so naturally they wanted my ex to hurt too. So the first lesson in co-parenting is: Setting boundaries with friends and family. This is your life, your kid and YOUR relationship with your ex, not theirs. Once I did that, it was a lot more clear to focus on my thoughts and my relationship with Bens dad. Next lesson is: Forgiveness. Not only forgiving yourself for hurting, and forgiving yourself for acting out, but forgiveness to your ex partner. Forgiving them for the pain they may have cause but understanding that you may have caused them pain as well. This lesson was a big one for me. By forgiving him, I was able to focus on letting him and his son be together, as they should....YES I was the one who birthed ben out of my yoo-hoo, but if it wasn't for my partner, Ben wouldn't be here today. They are apart pf this journey just as much as you are. Third lesson: Healing. Isn't that a lesson in every aspect of life though? Once you heal, you can move on. And once you move on you are no longer being hurtful. You no longer have alterative motives. You see the bigger picture, and that's the whole goal here in co-parenting is to see the end goal and that's for your child to be happy. To grow up in a positive environment. To see a HEALTHY relationship regardless if you are together or not.

I can say today, my ex and I are not only co-parents...we are friends. He is in a relationship now (that was another hard experience for me....another blog topic!?) and he is happy. I am on my own and I am happy. But most of all, Ben is happy. Our schedule is a little all over the place right now because ben is only three and a half, but it works for us and our schedules. That's all that matters is that what were are doing works for us. Bens dad sees him almost every day and gets him overnight every second weekend! He'd have him more if he could but like I said with Ben being young still and me working from home, this works right now.

Through all this you guys, I hope you can let go of the past and focus on your future as a team. That's what you are, a team. Your children are what matter and if you focus on that, co-parenting can be an easy task. I consider myself one of the "lucky ones" in these sorts of situations and my hopes for all of you is that you can feel the same way one day.