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Beautiful isn't a sIzE

Well fuck. I've been staring at the "publish" button for a couple weeks now but it looks like I'm finally ready to share with you. My body, just like life, comes in all different shapes and sizes...and I wanna take you on my journey of having an unhealthy mind & expectations and share with you how I got to where I am today.


WOW. That's me!? 8 years ago me. When my metabolism was going at the freaking speed of lighting! Oh, also me when I was working out 6-7 days/week spending thousands a month on trainers, food, supplements and competitions. But what else did I have to do? I had no other responsibilities but myself and time was on my side. I was eating 6 times/day. Weighing my food, only having 2tbs of condiments/meal (clearly young me didn't discover the love I had for ranch until a later time...) and one cheat meal/week. Now let me be clear that wasn't cheeseburgers, fries.....no it was potatoes and steak...which last I heard is a healthy meal, IS IT NOT?! What I gained from this experience you ask? Well of course I gained abs that's a given, but what I want to talk about is what I lost. I lost sight of what's important. I lost sight on living and what the definition of "healthy" was. I lost myself, the girl who only cared what she looked like on the outside and I never want to go back to that girl, again.


So then some magic happened and before I knew it, my perfect little body was about to change(in my opinion now...for the better. but back then, that wasn't my state of mind).

"Its a baby boy" they said. I started to cry tears of joy obviously, but how bad is it then when they told me I was carrying life inside of me the first thing that came to my head is "I'm going to get fucking fat". My fitness competition mind has now just robbed me of all the good feelings I should have had instead. But no, I was worried about if I was still able to see my abs through out my pregnancy. I gained 60 lbs while carrying Ben, I couldn't eat anything other than carbs....or at least that's what I told myself because it was easier to have the fitness model gain weight from bread rather than just worry about my body being a safe place for my child. It was easier to tell people I gained weight cause I "couldn't eat anything other than bread" than accept that now, the fitness model is now 60 lbs heavier from poor eating choices.



Postpartum Depression. What a real bitch that is to go through. And now being left with the aftermath of the shape my body was in. The AFTERMATH?! I just had a baby. I just carried a baby for 10 months, ate what I wanted to for once in my life and I'm looking at myself as a "blob" that should have known better. How crazy is it that now when I look at that body I think of how remarkable it really is. What it carried me through, WHO it carried. If only it was that simple back then...and because I was mentally not ok, I punished the people I cared for most in my life. I wanted them to suffer because I was suffering. I wanted them to feel bad for me and make the hurt go away but only I could do that for myself, so I started to do every diet known to man and just prayed I'd go back to "normal".


My sons dad and I split, so I started doing activities outside. walking, running ,whatever I could do with a stroller in my hands because I was too terrified to bring Ben to the daycares at the gym. I was breastfeeding at the time so I started focusing on what was going in my babies tummy, which in return I lost some weight. This was just the start...I wanted more. I craved more, more weight loss. Seeing those abs again. So, I was gonna try the Keto diet. Maybe Arbonne's diet. Maybe getting a trainer again (because apparently you need to pay the big bucks for someone to tell you to just eat green veggies and CLEAN protein, which is pretty much chicken. and tofu but what in the fuck is tofu anyways).


I gained a little, lost a little. Gained muscle, lost muscle. YOU NAME IT, my body has done it. But my mental health through my whole "weight loss journey" suffered. My body was changing but I was constantly thinking about the number on the scale, If I was going to allow myself a cheat meal that week. If I worked out enough. My freaking mind was CONSUMED with poisonous thoughts and I had enough. So what did I do, I stopped everything all together. I was so done with living and eating for my body image, I wanted to live and eat for my MIND.


This is the question I have been getting asked lots lately..."you've lost so much weight, what kind of diet are you doing"?! How sad is it that the second someone loses weight we are programmed to think its some kind of new fad diet. No this time, its not a diet...Its a way of life that I have chosen for myself.



Fasting.



 I was so over stepping on the scale. I was so over counting calories, I was so over not having a life because in order to lose weight, you had to train 6-7 days/week. WRONG.


I eat from 12-8 every day. So for me, those hours were easy. Being a mom, owning two businesses... I never have time in the mornings to brush my hair, let alone eat. My first meal is a big one and GUESS WHAT...its whatever I want (now that being said its not pringles and cheese puffs) but I always make sure I have protein and carbs and veggies (who am I kidding, I rarely do haha) but that's anything from a sandwich, or maybe a quesadilla....a smoothie. I keep my snacks nice and healthy during the day and Dinner, WHATEVER I AM FEELING that day. I chose to workout for my mental health, because guess what guys, getting a good 20 min workout in isn't just good for your body, its amazing for your mind as well! Now I'm not a professional, so this is just what works for my body but I can tell you....since I started living and eating what I want, how much I want....I don't care what the scale says. IN FACT I haven't weighed myself in 6 months and I don't plan too. I feel good and because of that I am confident in myself, and in my body whatever that might look like.



Today, I am healthy. The healthiest I've ever been. No, that's not because of a number you see on the scale, Its because I've thrown my insecurities in the trash and leaned to love the body that has carried me to where I am today

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